Why Couples Don’t Have Sex

A friend of mine sent this to me a little bit ago. For those of you who are not married or engaged (Man up pussies, you are not getting any younger.), you may not find this as funny as the rest of us. But since I am getting married in 369 days, so a bit of this did pertain to me. It’s funny, when you read some of this shit and think, “Damn, it really is true”. Then you get depressed because it is true.

Here are the reasons why couples dont have sex

Dear Wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times (it’s so true, points for persistance.). I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us (it happens)

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

Of course a woman can’t just let us have our complaints. They always have to get in that last word don’t they?

Dear Husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat we don’t have a cat, NEVER will
36 times you did not come home at all I always come home, no excuse
21 times you didn’t come with energy How much energy do you think I need?
33 times you came too soon Because I get it once every 10 days
19 times you went soft before you got in Wasn’t expecting a yes…just finished jerking off
38 times you worked too late I don’t work too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes No pain, no gain
29 times you had to get up early to play golf Guilty
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls Good enough excuse for me
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper Yeah that might slow a man down
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running It could be bleeding and I’d be ok
2 times you had a splinter in your finger Is my finger my cock?
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day I’m thinking about it right now
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book The book could have been very grafic
98 times you were too busy watching TV I could do both if you’d turn around

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”

The time you felt me move was because I was trying to breathe!

So there you have it. Like I said, it might not be as funny to some, but I thought it was. The bold comments are my own little additions.

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