Will You Be My Groomsman?

Yes, I am getting married. No, you cannot be my groomsman. However, while doing my usual craigslist surfing this morning, I came across this interesting request. Which I will get to in a minute. As you go through and read this, you will get naustalgic. I did. You’ll have to read it, and have gone to college, to really understand what I am talking about. This little Asian fuck completely made me miss the things we used to do in college. And as you read, it will happen to you.

So here’s the deal: one of my close friends is getting married next summer. June 7th, to be exact. The groom is a college friend, and the groomsmen include his brother, myself, and three other college friends. While we’re all happy for him to be getting married and start the next step in his life, he really chose a poor time to have the wedding.

You see, we graduated college in 2003, and our 5-year reunion falls on the same weekend as the wedding. Our college even gives us the opportunity to stay in the dorms to enhance our experiences. No brainer.

Suffice it to say, living in the post-college world is just a slight downgrade in lifestyle and fun from the college years, and we were all looking forward to being able to turn the clock back. While it’s very nice to have a steady income and not have to decide between ramen noodles and mac ‘n cheese for dinner, I miss the days of waking up at the crack of noon, deciding what t-shirt I’m gonna wear, and heading over the couple blocks to the dive bar for some 25-cent drafts or $3 pitchers. The dive bar where the path to the women’s bathroom (or closet door) crossed the dartboard throwing area. The dive bar where beers cost less than the jukebox, and you would get a thrill by putting in $5 to hear Meatloaf once, and letting it repeat 19 times after you left. The dive bar that didn’t have a locking men’s bathroom door, and every once in a while you would walk in to someone leaving an upper decker in there. Seriously, who does that?

But that’s not the only thing I miss. I miss telling everyone to shut up and pretend like no one was in the room when the RA was banging on our door to give us a stern reprimand. I miss throwing the underage girls into laundry baskets and underage dudes out the window when I inevitably opened said door. I miss putting a keg in a rolling trash can and covertly hauling it up the stairs to our room, and subsequently, I miss acting like we had pulled one over on the authorities and no one could figure out our intricate plot. I miss dancing with a pepperoni stick between my legs like Happy Gilmore as the cops opened the door to our apartment while blasting some ‘Ignition (remix)’ (or other early-2000 hit). I miss playing Golden Eye with the girl who had never played before, so we could tell her to be Jaws and play with proximity mines and watch as her death toll climbed, but I don’t miss when some cheating bastard would pick Oddjob and karate chop the crap out of your balls. I miss speculating which girl in our psych class was involved in a nasty three-way and was going to be on the next BangBus, and I miss trying to look for it. I miss listening to my friend trying to justify “double-bagging it”. I miss screwing over the college events group out of the latest and greatest technologies. I miss hiding my chicken fingers under my fries, and I miss watching my roommate fold an entire pizza in half and shoving it down his sweatpants. I miss ghetto-rigging our air conditioners from the third floor to the first because our circuit breaker sucked. I miss changing my friend’s away message to ‘boning the RA’ and getting him in trouble with another girl. I miss sending my friend the file that made anything you type show up as the F-word, and finding out she sent the file to her mom who contacted AOL when she couldn’t log on. I miss living with the hot girl from freshman year who turned out to be the most drugged-out, annoying roommate in history. Or wait, no I don’t. I miss watching the skinny girls only eat cottage cheese and peaches while we dined on meatballs and make-your-own rodeo burgers. I miss stealing watermelons and filling them up with Everclear, and then finding out that it doesn’t taste any good. I miss listening to our professor make daily comments to our one friend as we speculated it all to be sexual innuendo, and I miss the kid across the hall explaining the term ‘hate-fuck’. I miss liberating ourselves by throwing our grammar book out the window, our friend inexplicably missing the window and shattering the glass, and then explaining to security that some kid must have come by in the short window of opportunity and threw a yo-yo at it. I miss when filling up the aerobed every night was mistaken for vacuuming. I want to relive the glories on the intramural basketball courts while our under-manned and under-talented team defeated the meatiest of heads to win the whole thing. I want all that and more.

So my request is simple — be my replacement at the wedding while I enjoy all of those awesome things I just mentioned. I’m not the best man, so there’s really not too much for you to do. Stand there in a tux, maybe turn a couple times, walk down the aisle with a bridesmaid, and take a few pictures. It’ll surely be open bar with a decent meal, so it’s a no-brainer for you. Here’s the summary:

Perks:
- Open bar
- Free meal
- Will pay for tux, lodging, gift, and travel expenses (although only up to the national mileage rates)
- Strong possibility of scoring with bridesmaid(s) or a very drunk groomsman
- You get to BE ME for a couple days

Requirements/preferences:
- Male
- Heterosexual (while it is okay with the rest of the wedding party, this is preferred because the groom is severely homophobic)
- Asian (again, not required, but it would be preferable, as I am Asian, and all Asians look alike, so no one will even notice I wasn’t there)
- Large penis (heck, if you’re going to be my replacement, why not go for the upgrade?)
- Must not be allergic to Delaware or smells exuded from Delaware (that’s where the wedding is, so spend the time getting accustomed to the rank air)
- Must provide picture (not a picture of your junk, though, b/c that’s disgusting)

FYI - this is not first come, first serve; there will be a screening process.

While I understand the reasoning behind not going to the wedding, anyone would want to relive their college days, even if it is just for a night. At the same time, 4 of his college friends won’t be attending the 5 year reunion because they will all be at the wedding. He should heed his own advice…”open bar, free meal (not really because you usually pay for your own meal when you give money), strong possibility of scoring with bridesmaid(s) ( I know my groomsmen will be hoping for the this to happen). Besides, the 10 year reunion will be so much better having to get the chance to re-live the dorm days just one more time in your mid 30s after really, truely living in the real world. No, nothing could be more satisfying.

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